depression+agony= fuck me



There are moments of anguish in which you can't promise anything to the one who's upset. Some people shouldn't be allowed to make promises. This is how i actually proved to myself; i am totally capable to ruin my own promises.

This sounds a blessing to me, seems a heavenly tears drop from the sky. But ironically, i was cursed till the death. Every single step just weakening myself, justification lies through my head only bring closer to the root of hell. Can't i hold just for a moment to stop myself from bursting into tears? I have made a sarcastic or dismissive post about this story of mine. I dont care if peeps call it poyo. fuck. Honestly, hypocrisy is not my attitude.

And the story begins...

God, my examination result was seriously bad. I cant believe how did my effort give nothing.

The consequences? My monthly allowance has been blocked. I have to add an extra credit hour. I have ashamed myself. No more money, shit no more joli sakan. How can i stop crying??? Yesterday Petronas has announced their new record profit reached RM61billion, so i hope they will increase my money pocket. But... Ubey keep on dreaming. Hope he realize his horrible mistake. U r fucking stupid, now u want an xtra money?

I feel like I'm riding the proverbial emotional roller-coaster, but after how sad and depressed I was yesterday I feel the need to laugh. Or at least attempt some humor. I keep telling this flesh n blood in order to support myself alone while i have so much fucking depression going on in my life.

A couple days ago i read a cute amoi's blog. She wrote about being slapped for getting bad result. Now i really understand what she felt actually. What happened to myself is not a physical grudge but i am worse either. This is not a justification that easily made. No hearing, no court, no judiciary, no lawyers. She is doing well after the case, however i will be haunted nightmare for the entire 6 months. and i am seriously at rock bottom. The worst, should i commit suicide?

I have to be strong to pursue my study in engineering field. Lecturer keep telling me, UTP is one of the toughest uni. Every year the Harvards' scholars will come to observe my uni, flawless of unemployment fresh graduates, high standard, close relationship with giant oil company; Petronas, SHell, Halliburton, Schlumberger, blax3. FUCK. This is boring. Even myself not interested with this yada yada.

Sometimes i feel very down. Can i push myself to go further? I know i am stupid, so i have to change. demmit.. This is not a hereditary. this my own fault. so i hate myself

i can't stand..

every drop of tears only bring me to the past days.


Am I deserve these punishments?


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